Allergies (Out of Touch White People Pt. 2)

There is a commercial on television these days for some insurance company in which a home owning couple is happy for their new home and low rate, but laments the house having "aunts" (pronounced ANTS, which is another issue, but English is stupid so whatever). There are a few aunts...ahem...ANTS...milling about the house saying passive aggressive things that elder family members tend to do.

Other peoples elder family members. Mine? Not so much. 

Now, I have a mild shrimp allergy. If they are cooked in a wok, shrimps will cause me to break out in hives. Fried shrimp, grilled, shrimp cocktail shrimps? Nothing. I can eat those until I turn pink like a flamingo. Shrimps cooked in a wok, however, will make my eyes warm and just fuck me up in the dumbest way. I'm pretty good at avoiding wok shrimps. I don't generally buy shrimp to cook at home, and if I order out (fuck if I'm going to sit in a restaurant in public during a pandemic) I just avoid them. 

Occasionally I'll have some shrimp without issue. I worked in a seafood restaurant where I was around and had to test them on a daily basis. No problems. No woks. So when I was at my aunt's house for some clams on the half shell and cocktails, I didn't think twice about dipping into the shrimp that someone brought. Then it started.

I started to break out in hives. I could feel my face and arms get itchy, eyes watery, and otherwise grow in discomfort. I was fighting through it, trying to not make it too obvious that everything was terrible. 

The aunts in the commercial would have said something cutting, but nuanced. "You look warm," "You seem to need a glass of water," something like that. Not mine, and definitely not in front of company.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?" is what I got. So I explained what was happening, then I went and got at Benadryl from the medicine cabinet (luckily they had some) and immediately started feeling better. I'm fine, by the way. Thanks for asking.

I have an admittedly stupid allergy. It doesn't make sense, and it's the only one I have. But, I can avoid shrimps for the rest of my life if I have to. Other people don't have it as easy as I do. 

Take for instance, a very specific allergy for a very specific family. While working at the aforementioned seafood restaurant, I heard this interaction:

Waitress: Can I start you with something to drink?

Mother: Just some water. No ice, though, we're allergic.

Waitress (looking at child): Allergic?

Mother: Yes, we are allergic to frozen ice.

Waitress: ...

Kid (at full kid volume): IT MAKES MY TEETH COLD AND WET

Waitress (understandably concerned): Okay, luke warm water it is.

So, if you are allergic to water, you die. That's just how it goes. Nobody is allergic to ice, that's just not a thing. Your shitty teeth are not an allergy. Your shitty teeth are a product of bad dental hygiene and genetics. 

Allergies are real. Some are dumb (exhibit a: my dumb shrimp thing), and some are very serious, like a peanut allergy, which can be fatal. 

Lady, ice is just cold. Get over yourself and stop trying to make your weak shit a medical issue. You don't have an ice allergy, you have an addiction to WebMD. 

The worst part is she is dragging her kid into it. This kid is going to grow up with poorly calibrated measurements of maladies. He's got some vapid, wealthy, helicopter of a mother who saw Dr. Oz say some stupid shit about minerals or oils or something and now thinks she's a healer. YOU. ARE. NOT. A DOCTOR. You're just thirsty for daytime television quacks with a good tan and crap ideas. 

If I remember correctly, she didn't tip for shit. Of course she didn't.